Sometimes it takes the rubber meeting the road to expose what you really believe about God.
All of a sudden, all those years sitting comfortably in a church pew, singing songs, taking notes and preaching about a God who loves felt … easy. What does it really mean to have ‘victory in Jesus’ while you’re sitting in a hospital room with your 11 year old child who is fighting cancer. By all the worlds standards, we’re expected to shake our fist and be angry. To Blame God and make him the enemy.
First, let’s back up a tad - every year I ask God for a “word”. What word He wants me to think on as the year unfolds. I’ve only done this a few years and He’s given me some pretty beefy words/phrases like, “grit”, “trust” and “fear the Lord”…but this year he gave me the word, “wait”. I wasn’t very excited about this. The vague and passive nature of the word made me feel set aside. Almost forgotten.
We had just moved back to our little Ontario town a few months before and I was eager to jump into something. Previously, I had been very involved leading Bible studies, church-work, starting ministry initiatives - and I ached for it. I wanted to start something, host something, DO something. But every time I prayed about a new opportunity, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, “wait”.
If I was living by worldly principals, I would just get to work because it’s what I wanted to do. “Waiting” is counter-cultural - it’s uncomfortable and exposes things like our lack of trust that things will work out or fear that God doesn’t know what He’s doing. I know I am probably the only person who struggles with control, but yes, even that too is exposed when God asks me to simply, wait.
As uncomfortable as it was, I am grateful I listened. I was available for this stage of our lives - for long hospital stays and doctor visits. I didn’t have to back out of commitments and groups that I couldn’t keep up with. I share this because this very simple act of obedience showed me that God was still present even in this dark season. He cares about the details. And when we experience these small moments of God’s faithfulness, it builds faith for the bigger ones.
When we were expected to fall apart and shake our fist at God, amazingly we didn’t. I don’t say this to boast at ALL and don’t get me wrong, we cried, worried, we were (and are) so exhausted…but we were okay. We didn’t crumble.
It was like we had just been through a terrible car crash and just kind of got up and walked away. What should have taken us out, didn’t. I can’t tell you how many conversations happened in those first few weeks with the common question, “how are you, really?” Some felt we must have been falling apart behind the scenes because Sam and I presented okay.
This is what I realized - if we’re living by worldly principals, we can expect what the world promises…anxiousness and fear. But if we live by God’s principals we can expect God’s promises…peace and hope.
The world will say anxiety is acceptable.
But God says don’t be anxious about anything.
The world says fear is understandable.
But God says fear not.
The world says we have a right to know “why”.
God says, His peace surpasses our understanding.
And this isn’t condemnation - it’s a consequence. If I live by worldly principals, I can’t expect to experience God’s promises.
So how were we so “okay”?
I’ve thought a lot about this and I don’t think it’s just because we believe in God. *gasp. I know this may shock some. But the reality is that belief in God isn’t enough. Unfortunately it’s where many of us stop - lulled by a false sense of security that belief is enough.The Bible says even the demons believe…and shudder. Acknowledging God is the starting point but if we stay there, we won’t be ready for the unimaginable.
I believe the peace we had over us was completely supernatural. It wasn’t because we’re good people or we did anything to achieve it - it was a supernatural gift from God.
But I also believe we received that gift because our hope was in God..not in Bronson’s healing. If my hope was in my prayers being answered the way I wanted, or for the outcomes I wanted, I would be crushed pretty fast.
I think those months of waiting season were about more than just keeping my schedule clear to care for Bronson. It was as if God was training me to trust Him. My hope was not in what job or activity I could pour myself into, but it was in God and the plan He had. If we can obey when we can’t understand why God is leading us the way He is, we gain resilience to keep walking without answers to our questions.
But the clincher is, we have to know him if we are going to put our hope in Him. Belief is a great start, but do you really know God?
Psalm 130:5 says, “I wait for the lord, my soul waits and in His word I hope.”
I have never been in the Bible more than in the last couple years. I’ve read it through cover to cover and spent time studying and discovering more of who God is between the pages of the precious book. Again, this isn’t a boast but a testimony to how God prepared my heart.
Knowing Him more intimately and reading the stories of how Jesus showed up to heartbreaking situations and brought healing and peace and guidance. I know He will do that for us too. My hope cannot be shaken because it’s in HIM, not in Bronson’s healing.
In the first couple weeks I had a brief moment to run to our room at the Ronald McDonald house to grab a quick shower and a bit of time out of the hospital. It was my chance to lay it all out before God. I already trusted him, but I begged for some sort of insight into what on earth He was going to do with all of this! It was tearful question from the depth of my soul. And in my spirit I heard Him say, this is for his shaping, not his undoing.
There were no real tangible answers there. He didn’t tell me Bronson would be healed or how much longer we’d have to endure - but it brought incredible peace and was enough to remind me God had a plan and He was in control.
For reasons I may never understand, He has allowed this for Brons. For our family. His perspective is infinitely greater than mine. And I can trust that even if we don’t get what we’re hoping for on this side of eternity…our time here is a vapor. This life is a blip in time.
I believe that statement is true for our whole family. That this is for our shaping, not our undoing. And if you are going through something impossible right now, I believe that is true for you as well. Because it’s a Biblical promise:
Romand 5:3-5 says, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”
There is hope, my friends. Even in the most dire places. Because God is with us. He sees us and is shaping us. When we walk so closely with Him and in His word we have the peace that goes beyond our understanding! I’ve tried to express it the best I can but truthfully, until you experience it for yourselves it sounds crazy-town. So my challenge is if you already believe in God, maybe today is the day you surrender. Surrender your life and put your hope in Him. Get into His word. Read it every single day. Don’t worry about “getting something” out of your reading just keep reading, You’ll discover the heart of God and I promise you’ll get that crazy-town peace as well.
That is the “victory in Jesus” you experience when sitting in a hospital room while your 11 year old fights cancer.
Now just because we we’re okay doesn’t mean everything fell into place and we lived happily every after.
We were facing a move to the US with massive logistic challenges. This is where I struggle with worry - how will it all get done? What will we do with the other boys? Can we get our passports renewed in time?
Thankfully God sent an angel and I can’t wait to introduce you to her…next time. ;)
(as always…to be continued)
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If this story encouraged you, would you consider passing it along to a friend who might need some hope today? You never know who could be quietly walking a hard road. And if you haven’t already, make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any part of the story.
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